Reckless Love
What a week!
That sneaky devil is always trying to get the best of me and my mood. Trying desperate moves to throw me off guard and into a whirlwind of emotions! But I still choose joy.
I’ve been asked to share my testimony at a Teen Challenge graduation this Thursday! I am super excited- because TC will always have a place near and dear to my heart. I am also excited because I have been asking God for next steps in my life- and sharing my story is a part of it! Also a little nervous.. because shoot- it just is!
For those who don’t know me well- I am a pretty open book when it comes to my past. God has saved me from many situations that could have went horribly wrong but have become beautiful because of His love and grace and I just can’t hold back anymore. I need to write. I need to tell my story. I want everyone to feel the love of Jesus like I have. It will change your life.
So I grew up in the Church. I mean, my name is Kristen. It literally means- follower of Christ. I have always loved God. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how much He loved me. The stress of being adopted put me in a position to look at life through the scope of abandonment. Everything that happened was viewed through that scope – for a very long time (approx. 30 of the 32 years I’ve lived). Anything that happened- I would view it as me not being good enough or worth enough to stay. Living life this way had me searching for love and acceptance at a very young age and in very destructible ways. I found myself stealing- food, money, things from stores.. you name it, I probably took a 5 finger discount on it at some point in my life- because I thought these tangible things would give me some sort of love/acceptance.
At 12 years old, something happened that opened the door to the world of sex. After that door opened, Satan really used that to flood my life with a lot of sexual immorality. Chat rooms were a big thing back in the day-(ASL anyone? J). I soon started to search for attention from anyone who would give it to me. I am so thankful and confidently can say that God “had my back” back then- because shoot- with all the human sex trafficking- I am so lucky to be alive and well.
I became very depressed. We moved cities right after I finished 7th grade- and at that time, I thought it was the end of the world. Luckily, I was involved with church and my parents committed their time to drive me from Maple Grove to Arden Hills every Wednesday and Sunday. I was super involved with Church- because it was one of the only things that became my constant. Unfortunately, I lived a double life. I tried living with one foot in the world and the other foot dedicated to God. Doesn’t work so well. I was an avid Church goer who loved the Lord- but that scope of abandonment made me look for tangible love and acceptance- I was addicted to money and sex. As much as God is real, so is the enemy.
My first suicide attempt was when I was 15. I had taken a bunch of random pills and woke up fine the next morning. I remember thinking how much of a failure I really was and how God didn’t even want me. At 16 I tried again- this time I took about 50 well-butrin. I woke up the next morning and I knew something was wrong. My mom and sister went to Owatonna for a softball tournament, so it was just me and my dad. He was supposed to drive me to work that morning (because I just got grounded from my car), but I woke up uncontrollably shaking. I tried getting up and taking a shower- but I couldn’t stop shaking. I remember calling my dad and we rushed to the hospital… I don’t remember much after that.. but I will always remember my choir director Dianna (who became like a mentor to me during these hard years) came and was praying over me in the hospital- and I remember sneezing- and hearing her prayers to God that every single time I would sneeze- that the all the poison in my body would exit. I know God was working. Once I woke up, I was admitted to the adolescent physic-ward at Fairview – the dreaded “4B”. Depression and suicide attempts were not as heavily talked about as they are today- but let me just say- I shouldn’t have been there. It was the best thing to keep me “controlled”- but it wasn’t in the least bit helpful.
My last suicide attempt was over a bag of coins I stole from my past job – a shoe repair shop. I was caught red handed. So I overdosed on 150 Tylenol PM. I remember having to help my dad shovel that day. I was already “on watch” because my parents knew if I had to fight or flight- I was gone. I told my dad I needed to go inside and eat a banana… I went inside- and passed out on the couch. I was in and out of consciousness – but I remember my mom shaking me, trying to wake me up, and pleading with God and asking why. After that ordeal, my parents sent me to Teen Challenge. If God couldn’t save me, no one could.
I entered TC at the end of April of 2003. God captured my heart and the Holy Spirit took hold of my soul. I graduated in May of 2004. Teen Challenge taught me so many fundamentals I still have today- but because I was forced to go into treatment and didn’t hit rock bottom myself- I changed to graduate the program. I didn’t change because I truly wanted it.
Once I graduated TC- I was 18, given freedom, car keys, cellphone, and money. I didn’t necessarily turn from God, but I definitely didn’t rely on Him anymore. I started working overnight at Target and found myself seeking for men’s approval again. I got into a very physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationship. Before I could get out, I found myself pregnant. I was so scared. But it was during my pregnancy that God re-captured my heart- I remember sitting in my apartment, sobbing and crying out to God- wondering what to do with my future. What to do with my baby’s future. As I was crying- I remember being hit with love for the first time. It was like the floodgates of His love were opened and flooded my heart/soul/mind. My love for this child growing inside of me was undeniable. I loved her- but I didn’t know if I was enough for her. It was at that moment I felt the very love I was searching for all my life come flooding in. My birth mom wanted me- but she loved me enough to give me up in hopes I could have a better life. Yes, counselors/therapists have been telling me this my whole life- but I needed to feel it to “hear it”. Well, fortunately, my life includes my beautiful Lily on a daily basis. With the help of New Life Family Services and my parents- I decided I could do this. I could be a mother.
Luckily I was able to get out of the abusive relationship before Lily was born. Her sperm donor got married 2 weeks after Lily was born, and I was able to distance Lily and myself from his abusive actions for over ten years. Currently God is opening some incredible doors and is adding to this story (His Will not my will be done) but that’s for another time.
I found the love of my life at Buffalo Wild Wings back in 2005. Mike and I started dating in 2006 and it’s been one heck of an adventure. Thankfully, he is a man who believes, loves, and fears the Lord. We got married in June 2010. For a long time we had been just complacent Christians. Going to church whenever it fit into our lives- even hosting Bible studies. I was working at BWW corporate office and life was just going.
In 2013, I lost a good friend to cancer… and really I lost my faith in God again. I was so upset with Him. I didn’t understand how a loving God could just let someone with such spark and joy for life, die! I remember almost physically turning from God and saying “yeah, no thanks.” Well, satan really loved that. I began to dabble more into drinking and taking Percocet to numb myself from the pain and reality. I also started seeking my value in men/women more than ever before. In Oct, I found myself pregnant again. This time around it wasn’t as chaotic because I was married but I didn’t know if I wanted more children at this time. I was worried for Lily and I was just hurting. But on July 22, 2014, God expanded our family and our hearts and brought Paisley Kay into this world.
I love the song “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury- there is a part in the song that literally brings me to tears every time. It just shows the faithfulness and greatness of God.
"When I was your foe, still Your love fought for me You have been so, so Good to me When I felt no worth You paid it all for me You have been so, so Kind to me"
Even when I literally turned away from Him, He still loved me. He still fought for me. His love never faded. Thank you Jesus! <3
Alright- fast forward a year full of busyness. I was putting everything I had into my kids, my family and friends. I was into God- but I had one foot in the world and one foot with God again- I wasn’t constantly looking to God for approval- I was looking to others for that approval. I was unhappy. I was still so broken from the loss and continued to want to live in the past. I was 30 years old and a complete mess inside. I may have looked like I was a little put together- but I was falling apart.
In the fall of 2015, I came to a breaking point. I was depressed and literally found myself thinking about how I needed to get into my car and run into the ditch- with my kids in it as well. There was story on the news at that time about a homicide-suicide investigation about a father who killed his whole family and then killed himself. It is such a devastating story and we don’t know why it happened- but I remember thinking to myself- I knew this guys pain. Thankfully, I was able to get help. God captured my heart- again- but it took time. First it started with 15-20 mins every night with God- but soon it turned to hours a night with God and now, my day is completely lost if I don't seek Him first. Within the last two years, I have seen God’s handiwork first hand. Miracles after miracles. From my Nana’s death to finding a good friend’s lost dog… He has shown up through it all.
Like I stated above- as much as God is real, so is the enemy. He is constantly trying to steal joy and steal the peace that comes with surrendering to God. I believe with my whole heart that if truly surrender to God- He will take away your fears and anxieties. It takes time. A lot of time. And it takes re-surrendering DAILY… sometimes even HOURLY/MINUTE BY MINUTE- but it is possible!
There came a time shortly after my mental breakdown that I realized… we have a lot of time to think. The mind is so powerful. We can succumb to the negativity satan is always feeding us, or we can do something about it! We CAN START THINKING DIFFERENTLY! That changes EVERYTHING! First thing to do is notice and become aware of emotions and negative thinking. The next step is to step back and give it all up to Him. I have to say it out loud sometimes- when I am in the thick of a spinning attack- sometimes I just need a minute to readjust my thoughts. This takes time- but it works!! God wants us to live in complete PEACE. When we go to Him for approval, He will never fail us. He is LOVE. But we have to remember to go to Him!
Here's the link to the amazing song "Reckless Love"- I pray that when you listen to it, God will overwhelm you with His Reckless Love!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug8tq0IceIM
[Verse 1] Before I spoke a word You were singing over me You have been so, so Good to me Before I took a breath You breathed Your life in me You have been so, so Kind to me [Chorus] Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine I couldn't earn it I don't deserve it Still You give yourself away Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God [Verse 2] When I was your foe, still Your love fought for me You have been so, so Good to me When I felt no worth You paid it all for me You have been so, so Kind to me [Chorus] Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine I couldn't earn it I don't deserve it Still You give yourself away Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God [Bridge] There's no shadow You won't light up Mountain You won't climb up Coming after me There's no wall You won't kick down No lie You won't tear down Coming after me