Faith: Unexplainable Peace
June 10th will forever be one of the tougher days of the year than most.
I can’t believe Roni has been gone for 5 years. Selfishly I think about all she’s missed in my life – the birth of Paisley, seeing Lily become a young adult, the time my hair turned orange because she was no longer there to do her miracles... I just miss my friend. I try not to think of the phone call I received 5 years ago from Liz, telling me that our beautiful Roni had received her wings that day – the emotions are still real.
It was also 5 years ago today that I made a concious decision that I was going to turn away from God. I was done. I didn’t understand. Why would He allow such a life-giving, beautiful soul like Roni to leave this Earth?
Well, in making that concious decision to turn away from God, I also made some really stupid decisions during that time too. Alcohol and pain pills helped distract my mind from reality. I lost interest in my family. My husband. I just wanted to be left alone… yet I was still searching for something.
Fortunately, even though I turned my back from Him… He never left my side. For two years after Roni passed, I just lived life. I just tried surviving. I started turning back to God because quite frankly, I just couldn’t stay away from Him. I had embedded Him throughout my life because I have been away from God before, so I knew that my worst day with God was BETTER than any “good” day without God. It may have taken two years, but I finally surrendered my whole life to Him- because I was out of control. I was a mess. Thankfully, since surrendering- God has been CONSTANTLY working in every situation of my life – as long as I give Him permission to take control of my life every single day. That’s the thing with free will. God will meet you 99% of the way, but He leaves 1% up to us. We have to choose Him. And once you do- hold on tight because it’s one crazy ride!
My life is still filled with fun, pain, both good and bad circumstances… but the difference is that I have peace and joy. When we choose to follow God’s plan that He has for us, that doesn’t mean that He just takes all the pain away. Pain strengthens. We need that pain/circumstance to become stronger and more mature- so we aren’t lacking anything. But He does promise to give us a PEACE that passes all understanding. An unexplainable peace. And when we rest in His peace, we build our faith which gives us a hope.
So as Roni crosses my mind today, my heart still stings… but my soul says we will meet again-and my mind really believes it.
There is a darkness going around filled with depression and suicide. I pray that if you are reading this and have been feeling those feelings- that you just try going to God. He will give you that unexplainable peace. He has a plan for you and your life. He wants to take all your shame, your feelings of unworthiness and He wants to break from those chains that bond you to depression. You are worthy. You are enough. You are beautiful. Walk in His beautiful promises of restoration, love, acceptance, and victory!! He won the battle for YOU! xoxo