Depression and Joy
As I was walking upstairs this morning, Paisley, in my arms, asked what we were doing today. I told her that I didn’t know but it was going to be a great day! Well, this morning was NOT the definition of great. Lily and I immediately got into a fight… over a bowl of goldfish. Yes, a big ole bowl of goldfish- the kind you eat, not have as pets.
Lily’s had gastritis since the end of December, so her diet has been cut down to just a few things she can eat. As a growing, athletic preteenage girl- this diet is awful. No fried foods, no fatty foods, no chocolate, no acidic… etc. Not to mention she’s hormonal (because all kids are hormonal at this age)... and she’s guilty of becoming HANGRY! So it’s been real fun the last few weeks. This takes us to today and the bowl of goldfish. She wanted more than she should be having- and so we just started getting in a fight over it.
Mike came up to us bickering and I immediately felt the need to start at him too. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted support from him-verbal backup or just maybe even a hug. But instead, my way of crying out to him was by accusing him of never supporting me. And nagging him about things he hasn’t done around the house and such. The words that were coming out of my mouth were NOT the words I wanted to say- but it was word vomit. You know… the things you spew without thinking. The hateful rude words that are mostly lies or really large exaggerations. It’s as ugly as it sounds. Well, after 15 solid minutes of me pecking in Mike’s ear- that made Mike start to word vomit in defense.
Needless to say, things went downhill fast. My mind starts to spin. Thoughts start to flood in. “I’m better off dead”. “They would be way happier without me”. “I am worthless”. The tears were coming down. I was broken.
I cried out to God and asked Him for strength – and I asked that He gives me a human reminder of His love for me. Right then, I was overcome by peace. The suicidal thoughts subsided as I shifted my focus to God. The waves of suicide came and tried to drown me but instead of letting them, I looked to God.
I started to just pray to God and thank Him for His love and faithfulness. I turned on my favorite current song <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwu5oMhUZuc> and just let it sink in. I opened up my devotions today and read about the second touch of God- so I cried out to Him for this second touch. Well He was pouring out blessings in twosies all day today.
Within two hours, not just one, but two friends randomly messaged me reminding me of who I am in Christ, and how beautiful I am. Friends whom I love but don’t get to see often, so hearing from them wasn’t normal- but with God… there is no random act of God- it’s all planned. Thank you Cathy and Tanya for the encouragement this morning- it truly was needed at the exact moment it came in.
I can’t make this up folks- God is answering prayers over and over again!
So this afternoon turned out way better – Mike and I apologized and started fresh, and Lily actually apologized to me on the way home from cheer! We were able to have a nice evening as a family and move on from this morning’s chaos.
Tonight, God answered more prayers! I started a prayer journal two days ago to start keeping track of all these amazing things God is answering – and He is answering already! One of my best friends has newly accepted Jesus into her life. (SO AMAZEBALLS!!) Well, she asked me to pray to win something at her work party- as a joke but I took it on! She told me that she feels like a very unlucky person- but I reminded her that her luck has changed now that she has Jesus. God loves to answer prayers that fulfill His purpose and that are for His glory. Well guess what? She didn’t just win one cool prize.. but you guessed it- TWO!
God is so good. If you ask Him to show up- He will. In great ways that you and I couldn’t even dream of! Be bold in your prayers- but remember- HIS Will Be Done. Not ours.
I have depression. But I also have joy. It’s the joy from the Lord that renews and refreshes my strength.
